


Episode 30.2: Roadworks

by Magpied_Spider



Category: Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: Gen, english creatives are fun, school assignment technically, was written just before yellow hellicopters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-19
Updated: 2014-07-19
Packaged: 2018-02-09 14:07:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1985811
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Magpied_Spider/pseuds/Magpied_Spider
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The small road in and out of Night Vale is being doubled, to allow for easier traffic flow. Also, a message from our five-headed mayoral candidate, an update on the drawbridge, and a message from Leann Hart.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Episode 30.2: Roadworks

“Please do not feed the pigeons. They do things.

“Welcome… to Night Vale.

“Hello, listeners. Construction work on doubling the road in and out of Night Vale has begun, the City Council announced this morning. There will soon be lanes going both ways. Workers are also are putting down bitumen. This is a much-awaited project, as the dirt road that connected Night Vale to the rest of the country had only one lane, and discouraged casual tourists. It also is good news to those citizens that rely on access to the outside world, such as those that grow crops, and even those who may wish to temporarily leave in order to visit relatives, as I know Carlos… perfect Carlos…. is currently doing. Be careful on the road today and obey all signs and warnings. Punishment by evisceration is in effect, but traffic violations also carry the added threat of double demerits.

 

“The Night Vale Farmer’s Market has announced that John Peters, - you know, the farmer? – has released a new line of crops. In addition to his imaginary corn, he will be selling imaginary corn _flour_. This, he says, is due to the increase in demand for substitutes for Wheat and Wheat-by-products after the transformation of said products into venomous snakes, and then restless spirits. He also added that he was looking forward to expanding his business due to the lack of potholes that will hopefully result from the expansion of the roads. Big Rico has been one of his best customers, he also added, after most reporters were gone. All of his pizzas are now made with this imaginary cornflour, and are wheat and wheat-by-product free. Nobody does a slice like Big Rico’s. Nobody.

 

“The Town Drawbridge, as we all know, collapsed _again_ earlier this week, the 5 th time this month, resulting in its timeline being extended from the projected 14 years to **UNTIL THE SEAS BOIL AND THE ACID RAIN BURNS AWAY AL THAT IS RECOGNISABLE IN THE LANDSCAPE**.The graffiti painted by the ~~feral dogs~~ _plastic bags_ several weeks ago has also been cleaned off. The construction of this bridge is also, according to the Night Vale Planning Committee, exempt from the doubling affecting all the roads leading to and from Night Vale.

 

“And now, a glug from our sponsor. _GLUGglugGLUG._  
Apologies, listeners, that was, in fact, three glugs. We have billed the company accordingly.

 

“More on Construction. The chanting that preceded the doubling of the road has been discovered to be grammatically incorrect. It was also found that it would lead to the doubling of all potholes, sinkholes, and holes to alternate dimensions where everything is exactly the same except slightly different, and you never realise these differences until one day you blink, and you do. You must discover these differences for yourself. The chanting has been sent to editors for further checking.

 

“Mayor Pamela Winchell announced for the 15th time, at a spontaneous press conference, that her decision to step down was not motivated in any way by a secret meeting involving threats of bodily harm.

Leann Hart, the only employee from the Night Vale Daily Journal, used the press conference to announce that, due to inflation and the maintenance of the full colour, full motion equipment, subscribers to the Imagination Edition of the Paper, subscription to which I remind all listeners is compulsory and automatic, will receive a slight increase in price by three point one-four-one- fi- … is this just pi? An increase in pi amount of cents.

 

“And now, a paid advertisement from our five-headed Mayoral Candidate.” “ _Five heads are better than one! Unlike_ certain _candidates, I have a face, and it’s an honest one. I’m honest when I say that my becoming Mayor of Night Vale would be the best decision for everyone. Vote for me, and you’re voting for incentives for small business development and for the development of youth physical fitness programs. Human youth are the human future! Vote Hiram McDaniels, for a competent future.”_

 

“The doubling of the Night Vale Highway is now in its final stages of completion, official sources say. The pre-doubling-chanting is finishing… now, and the highway, new bitumen included, now has two separate lanes. Either one can be used by traffic, but best stick to the same side once you’ve picked it.

 

“And Now, [The Weather](http://thetigerandme.bandcamp.com/track/lead-a-merry-dance-around-the-fire).”

 

“Listeners, this just in. Intern Georgia has just handed me a note stating that, in addition to doubling the road, the chanting also doubled all persons, vehicles, and vehicle contents that was present on the road at the time. This is very lucky for John Peters - you know, the farmer? - who had a shipment of imaginary cornflour on the road in a large truck, and is now in possession of two large trucks filled with imaginary cornflour.

"We can only hope that nobody from Desert Bluffs was on the road at that point, although we hope that nobody from that place would be on their way to Night Vale at any point, excepting, of course, their being on their way to one of our football games against the Night Vale Scorpions. Desert Bluffs are just awful, and deserve to see their team beaten into the ground, pulverised, and set on fire.

"But back to the point, listeners, the doubling of the truck full of corn also resulted in the doubling of the driver. Secret police are now on the scene, and have taken one of the men that were driving one of the trucks and have handed him over to the Hooded Figures. They are not sure whether the man was the original or the double, but one of them have been handed over. The Secret Police have not released an official statement regarding this, but when pressed, stated that ‘he was probably being taken to the Dog Park, or something. Being doubled is an unnatural state of affairs,’ they continued, ‘we all know what happened last time something like that happened.’ Listeners are reminded that the Dog Park is forbidden for all citizens, and that curiosity was the fatal flaw of many felines.

 

“But we are safe here. We have an unexpected increase in imaginary cornflour quantities, and the smell of bitumen from the newly doubled road to waft us to sleep. So I say good night, Night Vale.

Good Night.”

 

“ […] Today’s proverb: Shoot for the moon. Shoot it down. Let it land in the sea, and cause a massive tidal wave that will wipe out all life on earth.”

**Author's Note:**

> Ok, so this was actually written as an English assignment: we had to take a theme from 'Pride and Prejudice' and present it in some creative way. Hence, this fic.  
> The theme was 'incompetence'.  
> The Weather was 'Lead A Merry Dance Around The Fire', by The Tiger & Me.
> 
> (HoOly shit, just noticed that I TOTALLY called John-Peters-You-Know-The-Imposter. No lie, this was due in Monday 28th October 2013. Wow.)


End file.
